Waluigi's Ultimate Plan
by Maxim M
Summary: Hey, you! You want-a to see Waluigi in Super Smash-a Bros. Ultimate? Me too! I've-a been waiting ten years for my chance-a to hit the big time, and if I have to take it, then I will! Help-a me out, will ya? - Waluigi. Rated T for language.
1. Talk to the Hand: Prologue

Talk to the Hand: Prologue

* * *

Two white cotton gloves slammed on the desk, "Again?!" shouted their owner as he stared down the giant white glove on the other side.

"Yes, again," replied the large hand, speaking in a low powerful voice despite the absence of a mouth.

Waluigi, dressed in his best black overalls and purple shirt, wailed as he held his head with his two white gloves emblazoned with an upside-down yellow L on their back, "But how?!" he cried, his purple hat hanging on as he shook his head.

"You'll have to be more specific, Waluigi," the being known as Master Hand responded, stoically sitting upright on his wrist, fingers relaxed in a soft clench.

The purple plumber glared at the giant hand, "How could you possibly put-a Waluigi in the game and make-a him an Assist-a Trophy?"

Master Hand's thumb twitched for a second, "Well, it was very easy. See, we made this list back during the development of Super Smash Bros. for 3DS, and sorted who would be the fighters and who would be the Assist Trophies again. You just so happened to be in the latter-"

"That's not-a what I meant!" Waluigi interrupted him and planted his hands back on the desk, "I've-a been waiting ten years since Brawl! You promised-a me that a couple o' gigs here would get me a spot on the rooster!"

"Roster," Master Hand corrected, "And I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Little Mac. You were just sitting next to him at the time."

"Details, schmetails!" the purple man persisted, "I've-a been waiting the longest out of everyone here for a shot at Smash!"

Waluigi was interrupted by a hoarse, growl of a cough made by someone sitting at the far end of the room. He looked back to see a large, purple humanoid dragon with a long tail eyeing him from his chair.

"Did ya need-a somethin'?" he shot.

Ridley softly shook his head in response, "No, just felt like making myself known here," he replied, sitting still next to a humanoid in a white and blue spacesuit with pink gloves and boots, silently polishing a lit bomb he was cradling.

Waluigi shrugged his shoulders and looked back to the giant white hand sitting stupidly at the desk, "Anyway, why haven't you made Waluigi a fighter for Smash-a Bros. already?"

"Well," Master Hand started, leaning forward a bit, "There are a number of factors. You would need to have at least one game in your history, popularity with our demographics, the ability to represent a facet of Nintendo's history in video games, and overall appeal as a potential fighter."

"But that-a broad Daisy is in and she has none of those!" Waluigi pointed out, "All she has-a going for her is that she's besties with that-a bimbo Princess Peach and that weenie Lui-JAH!"

Waluigi could not finish his sentence as a golf club nailed him in the back of his head, knocking his face into the wooden desk and flattening it comically. Master Hand glanced over to a disgruntled Daisy sitting next to a blue capped Toad, who then proceeded to get up and walk over to retrieve the club.

"Nice shot," Master Hand complimented, receiving a nod of acknowledgement from the princess as Waluigi groaned.

"I won't forget that," the purple man said vindictively, shaking his head to regain his bearings.

Master Hand sighed audibly, "There's also the other thing about you that makes it…difficult for us to consider adding you to the roster."

"Yeah? And what's-a that?" Waluigi challenged, rubbing the back of his head where he was bruised.

"You're not exactly the most pleasant person to be around," the hand stated, "You're intrusive, loud, loathsome, egotistical, and villainous."

The man looked at the giant hand with a raised brow, "I don't-a get it. First you tell-a me I'm not that great, then you go and-a list off all my best qualities? You ain't-a speaking straight here."

Times like these made Master Hand wish he had a face to palm.

"Fine, I'll spell it out for you," his tone shifted from indifference to annoyance, "Nobody here likes you, Waluigi," Master Hand stated, moving up from his seat to extend his index and nearly poke the purple man's head, "The only person in this castle that can tolerate you is Wario, and he's so affable and gaudy, it somehow loops around to a degree of likability!"

Waluigi leaned back to avoid contact with the giant finger pointed at him, while at the same time taking in his words. Was he trying to tell him that he should try and make friends with the other characters? Nah, that's unlikely, because Walugi is already the most likeable person in all of Nintendo. It's just that everyone else is a jerk and an idiot for not seeing how great Waluigi is, and he's tried many times to help people see that. Sadly, envy and jealousy always gets in the way of that, and that's not something that Waluigi can fix by himself. Surely, Master Hand must know that this is basically impossible, so all he could say was…

"…so, what's-a the problem?" the purple man asked.

Shocked by his ignorance, Master Hand's finger drooped as he leaned back and sat straight behind the desk, sighing quietly.

"You know what? It doesn't matter anyway," Master Hand responded in defeat, "The roster has already been decided, as is your place in the Assist Trophy lineup."

"But why?!" Waluigi nearly cried, "Why must-a Waluigi be an Assist Trophy?"

"Because Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is an updated rerelease of the 3DS and Wii U version," the giant hand pointed out, "And you were already cast as an Assist Trophy back then too. You're complaining about a decision we made four years ago."

"Oh," he replied, looking around himself, processing the answer, "And there's nothing I can do about it?"

Master Hand straightened up, almost euphoric that he was finally getting through to the purple man, "It would take a miracle at this point."

Waluigi rubbed the back of his head where his bruise still was, "Huh. Well, then, I guess I should…pray?"

"Better than causing trouble, I suppose," Master Hand said with a shrug, emulated by nudging his thumb up slightly.

Waluigi sighed in defeat, "Wahhh…this stinks."

"Undoubtedly," the hand retorted, "Now, is that all?"

"Yeah, I suppose-a so…" Waluigi said as he turned around sadly. A thought came to him all of a sudden, however, and he turned around slightly as he spoke, "Actually, there's-a something I'm curious abou-"

"Great, this has been an experience," Master Hand quickly said as he floated over and lifted Waluigi by the back fold of his shirt, "See you and have a day."

Waluigi was dragged across the room with a shriek "Wah!" as the door opened automatically and he was tossed out as gentle as the giant hand could care to do.

"Next!" Master Hand boomed as the door closed shut behind Waluigi.

* * *

"Oh, you're back," greeted Wario from the far end of the room, "How'd it go?"

Waluigi scoffed in annoyance as he stomped over and sat on his purple bed. He bore a mean scowl that was meaner than usual, and Wario could tell without even looking that it didn't go anywhere.

"That-a bad, huh?" the round man said, hammering the fifth nail to the wall.

"Smash is-a big-a fat joke!" Waluigi damned, flopping onto his back and nearly hitting the wall, "How could-a Nintendo put all of their-a best superstars in-a one game and not-a include Waluigi? How?!"

"Didn't you say that-a junk last time?" Wario commented, pushing down on his hammock to see if the nails could support the force.

"Yeah, but this-a time's different!" the tall man said, righting himself on the bed in preparation of sleep, "Not only did they bring-a back everyone, but they even invited Daisy! Oh, and-a that kid, too."

"You mean-a the squid?" the other man corrected as he sat on the hammock, happy to find that it didn't break for the fourth time today.

"Whatever, and that big ugly purple thing too," Waluigi finished.

A knock on the wall came in suddenly, followed by the muted sound of a childish screech, "But Waluigi, you're an Assist Trophy, not one of the fighters!"

The purple man responded by slamming the wall as hard as he could, "Keep-a the jokes to yourself, Diddy!"

Monkey laughs echoed in the room over as Waluigi looked back to Wario, who yawned and stretched and pulled out a bag of garlic.

"Well, whatever. I for one am-a glad you're here," the fat man consoled, taking off his biker hat and discarding it, "I don't-a like the idea of beating you up here."

"Tch, well, I wouldn't mind-a whacking you upside the head every now and-a then," Waluigi retorted, to which Wario responded with an indifferent wave of his hand.

"But aside-a from that, why do you wanna join-a the fight so badly?" Wario asked, popping a peeled garlic clove into his large mouth, speaking through the obnoxious crunching and chewing, "All-a you do is fight other people and-a get recognition and-a fame and-a get new games and-a get treated like royalty and-a actually, now that I'm-a saying it out loud that sounds like-a the best thing ever."

Waluigi grunted in response.

"But being here as an Assist-a Trophy is good too, no?" Wario asked, popping two more garlic cloves into his mouth.

The purple man scoffed in reply, "Tch, yeah right. All you get-a is free food and-a room and-a get to hang out-a with people you can't punch-a in the face!" he listed, taking off his hat and placing it on the post of his bed, "What sort of schmuck would-a be happy with that?"

Wario snored in response, his treasured bag of garlic nestled in his arms as he swayed on the hammock. Waluigi knew he was deep asleep as he began farting small amounts of noxious gas, swaying him with each toot. The tall man scoffed for the fourth time today and flipped on the A/C on the wall close to him so that he didn't die by carbon emissions in his sleep. Frustrated, Waluigi waited for sleep to come to him.

* * *

Waluigi waited for three minutes before giving up and deciding his time was better spent being angry about it online. A little known fact about the tall, purple man was that, in between playing sports and go-karting, Waluigi had quite the free time on his hands. There he sat on his bed, his legs painfully coiled around his laptop thanks to the yoga he had done in the past, skimming through the internet and its reaction to the new game he wasn't in.

"At least some people aren't-a complete idiots," Waluigi said quietly as not to awaken his roommate, although he doubted nothing short of two bob-ombs mating would awaken him.

Waluigi scoured the usual sites, such as FaceNook, Squitter, and Bumblr, and saw all of the typical jokes and memes surrounding the release of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Some of it was funny, sure, but his frustrations inhibited his enjoyment of this content.

What he did see that he agreed with, however, was that Waluigi should've been in Smash as a fighter, not an Assist Trophy. He saw a lot of people complaining about this, and it made him feel validated in his rage against the decisions of the big heads at Nintendo.

And this sort of validation can lead someone to make a less than intelligent decision.

"Heck it all! I'm-a gonna ask these fat bozos for help-a!" Waluigi exclaimed, stretching his fingers and preparing to type.

Waluigi owned a blog, which he updated often. It didn't have many followers, but he knew that someone was always watching it, because he kept seeing his content on different sites run through alterations and defamations to make a joke out of his words. Whatever loser had his page bookmarked, he was sure he was going to push off a cliff one day.

"Attention losers!" he narrated as he typed, but then reconsidered his choice of words, "No, wait. These are people that would actually want to help Waluigi."

For the first time in a very long time, Waluigi had to think about what he was going to say before saying it. Such a feeling was foreign to him, as his unfiltered words had gotten him all of the fame and praise for being so great. This time he needed to demand authority, but also respect, so he deleted what he had so far and started over.

Waluigi typed a little more quietly, carefully considering his words with each pause of his fingers. ' _Hey, you!_ ' nice-a strong-a start, he thought, ' _You want-a to see Waluigi in Super Smash-a Bros. Ultimate?_ ' Straight-a to the point, he affirmed with a nod, ' _Me too! I've-a been waiting ten years for my chance-a to hit the big time,_ ' Waluigi was careful to include the necessary a's at the end of those words so that people knew it was him typing, ' _and if I have to take it, then I will! Help-a me out, will ya?_ '

It was a satisfactory lead in to the rest of his post. Waluigi continued to type, explaining what had happened to him earlier today, what Master Hand told him, and including those jerks in the room along with him that were jealous of how cool he was. He made sure to put in as much detail as possible to justify himself, although he was sure that his fans would agree with him regardless.

He finally got to the meat of the matter after four pages of expertly crafted complaining. He wanted his readers to suggest to him ideas of getting into Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Although he had a few plans in mind already, he wanted to explore every possible option that even he couldn't come up with. He knew how literal the internet was, though, so he needed to lay down some ground rules.

Rule number one, Waluigi thought as he typed out, no murdering. Although it was fairly obvious, he knew he needed to explain in great detail why this wasn't an option. For one, pretty much all of them were immortal, and it was up to Nintendo who lived or died, as macabre as that sounded. Even if it was possible to dispatch someone to free up a slot on the roster, it would actually decrease his chance of getting in, as well as his chances of future installments, so that wasn't an option.

Rule number two, no bribing. Waluigi wasn't made of money as much as he wished he was. Besides, all of the fighters were very well off financially, and no amount of treasure or gold would make them forfeit their spot on the roster for him. More for him, he shrugged. He also quickly added ' _no blackmailing either_ ', as Master Hand doesn't look too kindly on such manipulation tactics.

That reminded him; rule number three, no fighting Master Hand over it. The other fighters had been doing that for nearly twenty years, and no one has been able to put him down for good. Yeah, some of them were gods or goddesses, but Master Hand was a being above that and none of them knew how or why. They've all learned to just deal with him and do what he says, and he can actually be a cool guy most days. But Waluigi was definitely not going to try his luck against that thing, especially considering that he wasn't the only giant floating hand hanging around them.

And finally, rule number four, he was only going to accept suggestions from people who had accounts and names. It didn't matter if they were aliases from the mid 2000's or a parody of something like 'cannabis king four twenty' made yesterday or whatever, if they had names, he could thank them if their suggestion worked, or berate them for their idiocy if it didn't. Of course, he would take anonymous suggestions if he was running dry on them, but he knew he was too popular for that to happen.

Satisfied with his work, Waluigi rubbed his hands together and skimmed over it for spelling and grammar errors, ignoring all the red and green squiggly lines. He was confident that, somehow, either through his own genius or the suggestion of one of his adoring fans, he would get into the game before it would release six months from now.

"Internet, don't-a fail me now," Waluigi said with a grinned as he hit enter.


	2. Crawl Like Metroid: Plan 1

Crawl Like Metroid: Plan 1

* * *

Morning had come and gone, but Waluigi was too preoccupied to have breakfast. He stayed up all night concocting plans and schemes that would assuredly get him into Smash Bros. no problem. These plans were so great that, as soon as he woke up, Waluigi had to reach for a notepad and start writing. Usually he had a notepad on his person at all times and they were mostly used to scribble down the names of jerks that disrespected him or cut him in line; of which he had many of them filled out. But this time, he needed a fresh one to jot down all of the brilliant plans he came up with last night.

Waluigi yawned a bit, his breath smelling like a filthy dog. He usually took his hygiene seriously, but that can wait. He wanted to write down all of the ideas he came up with during his sleep deprived stupor before he forget them all. Most of them he didn't remember the details of too well, and the notepad pages were too small, so he kept them vague but brilliant. Page after page was filled with concise but ludicrous scribbling of the ideas he had, and a few he had crazy dreams about.

He had checked his blog post from the other night and felt confused as to why it only had two likes. Then he remembered that he had posted that rant late at night, and reasoned that all of his adoring fans had to have been asleep by then. Surely, after the first day, he would get thousands of suggestions that he wouldn't know what to do with, but for today, he would give it the old college try and get into Smash with his very first plan.

"I think that's all of them-a…" Waluigi said to himself, looking over the twenty or so pages he filled with his scribbling.

His fervent dreaming and planning happened when he came to a very important realization last night. Perhaps the only reason that Master Hand hasn't put him in the game yet is because he hasn't seen his full fighting potential. Long ago, when Brawl was announced, he had gotten an invitation to live at the Smash Castle as an Assist Trophy. He thought it was another overdraft-late-fee-scam letter, so he left it in the wrong pile. By the time he actually read the letter and scrambled over to the mansion, they only had enough time to log his model and two attacks. Oh, and they needed his glorious voice bits, obviously.

Since then, he's been stuck to his tennis racket and endearing personality, but it wasn't enough to win the favor of the big head's making the game for a spot on the roster. Normally, he'd let this opportunity pass after months of complaining, but with rumors going around that this would be the last Smash Bros. for a long while, he wasn't going to give up without a fight.

"All I need to do is force-a my way into a fight and-a show that raggedy glove my unmatched fighting-a skills," Waluigi said with a wide smirk, "And I know the first-a plan to try."

The purple man took a deep breath, but then stopped as he smelled something musty. After a few quick whiffs around his person, he realized the funny smell was coming from his body. It was almost noon, he realized, and he needed to wash up before anything else could happen today.

"Phew! I stink! Better go and get myself all nice and rosy!" Waluigi said, getting up from his bed and putting his notepad down, trotting over to his washroom. On the notepad, one of the schemes titled 'Plan C' was circled and a crude drawing of a robot soldier with an arm cannon was drawn in the corner.

* * *

Waluigi walked through the halls as inconspicuously as he could, with a yard wide stride and a winning smile. Now that he was actually about to enact his brilliant plan, he was getting cold feet as he was getting closer to her room. It wasn't that he had any doubt that this plan would fail, no way. It was because that woman made him nervous with that icy glare and stone cold tone of hers. Waluigi knew no woman could resist him, so it only made sense that she was from another universe entirely.

The first time he and Samus met, she threatened to blow his handsome nose clean off of his face. She was another one of those sad cases that couldn't process his sex appeal, but he was not willing to give that one a second try. He had been smacked by enough girls to know when one was dead serious about putting him in the hospital, and she was aiming for at least a year, he could tell.

Nonetheless, she had something he needed for this plan to work. Before Waluigi rounded the corner, he hugged the wall and took out his notepad to review his plan one more time.

"Alright, step-a one, steal the suit," Waluigi said quietly to himself as he read his scribbles aloud, "Step-a two, trick the hand to put-a me in a fight."

That was all he wrote. It was vague but sufficient, because if he could successfully pull off those two simple steps, that spot on the Smash roster was guaranteed to be his. He didn't care much for the specifics. He just knew that this would change Master Hand's mind…somehow.

"Okay, Waluigi, strut-a your stuff," the tall man said before inhaling and braving the corner, only to nearly bump into the scary woman herself.

"WAH!" Waluigi shrieked, facing the cold look of the bounty hunter herself. Her stance was stoic, arms crossed and legs planted firmly, stun gun holstered somehow on her hip. Her blonde hair was a little frazzled, despite being tied up in a ponytail. She was looking through him with her blue, unforgiving eyes, and her serious stance told him she had been waiting for him, somehow hearing his almost noiseless mumbling.

Okay, act-a natural, Waluigi thought to himself, as he straightened up and coughed into his fist, "Uh, wah! Morning, Samus!" he tried to say as polite as possible.

"It's five past one," Samus corrected. She didn't give him a chance to reply as she cut right to, "What do you want?"

"Uh, aheh, uhh," Waluigi stammered, holding his pose and trying to avoid looking at her blue skintight suit before his eyes landed on his white gloved hand, reminding him of a certain annoying appendage, "M-Master Hand is calling for you!"

"I didn't hear anything," she was quick to shoot down. She held her position stubbornly, refusing to let this man have any footing in this conversation.

"Uh, well," he was surprisingly quick to come up with a good lie, "They haven't finished working on-a those speakers in the ceiling. You know, those-a things in the supermarket that-a tell security where you're stealing-a stuff is? We just got-a here, y'know?"

Waluigi held his breath as the fierce woman stared him down before she smirked, "And they sent you to get me?" Samus replied with a cheeky smile, "Master Hand has quite the sense of humor."

He forced himself to chuckle, keeping the act up, "Y-yeah, I didn't wanna do it either. I got-a better things to do then-a this!"

"I doubt that," she shot before she maneuvered around him and made her way to Master Hand's office, "But sure, do whatever you want."

Waluigi kept his back stiff as he listened to Samus walking further and further away, until she was out of earshot. The tall man finally relaxed and exhaled a tired sigh, breathing, "Ya harlot," before stepping to her room door.

Master Hand was very serious about making the fighters feel as homely as they could be, from their living quarters to the food available to them. Waluigi didn't trust doors that opened and closed by themselves, even after Captain Falcon explained to him how convenient they were. It's just that machines and robots were just as prone to failing to see Waluigi's greatness and tended to break down around him. That and also he just didn't understand technology nowadays. It took the appeal of establishing a blog where he could rant and mock people online and gain an audience from it to convince him to get a laptop, and he hasn't regretted it ever since.

But today, technology was being a jerk, as he couldn't get the door to open.

"Hey, what gives?" Waluigi exclaimed, wondering why the wall wasn't opening, "Where's the stupid doorknob on-a this thing?"

A panel to his right beeped and flashed its buttons, catching his attention. The purple man stepped to the curious bit of wall, only to be surprised at seeing the head of R.O.B. looking back at him.

"Rob? What are you doing in there? How'd you get-a so small?" Waluigi asked, stroking his chin.

"Good afternoon, Waluigi," the head of R.O.B. replied, surprising him with its voice, "You are not speaking directly to the R.O.B. you know, but an A.I. replica."

"An A what now?" the tall man parroted.

"I am basically a copy of R.O.B. implemented into the castle's security system. I manage permissions and power directory," the program explained.

"I don't-a get it," Waluigi scratched his head, "How long have-a we had this?"

"Not very long. In fact, the system is still in beta as our fellow R.O.B.s are trying to integrate this security system into the castle, mixing our technology with yours, and such," the artificial face of the robot tilted its head in conveyance of a personality, which annoyed Waluigi.

"Bah! Forget I asked!" Waluigi dismissed with an aggressive wave of his hand, "Can ya open the door?"

The R.O.B. head tilted back in surprise, "Why would you want to do that? This is not your room."

Waluigi crossed his arms in annoyance, "I know that, ya bucket-a bolts."

"And I suppose you know that this is Samus's room, right?" the program continued to explain, "You would need her permission to enter. Do you understand?"

"I know that!" Waluigi stomped the ground in frustration.

This really ticked him off. If it was just a normal wooden door, he could've just snuck in and taken the Power Suit already, but now there's a computer in the way. This wasn't one of those computers that you could punch in numbers and eventually unlock the password for, this one talked back. He was going to have to figure out a way to bypass this stupid robot somehow-

"Very well then, access granted," R.O.B. said all of a sudden.

Waluigi responded with a confused "Wah?" before the door quickly flashed open. Samus had a rather modest abode, and he could make out some furniture even with all of their funky futuristic widgets all around them. To his left was her bed with only one pillow and thin blanket, a wide screen television to his right, a chamber that held her Power Suit in the back, a pantry to the left of that, and the doorway to where he presumed was her bathroom to the right. Waluigi glanced over at the panel the R.O.B. head was watching him through.

"Wait, what gives?" he asked, still stunned in surprise.

"You had received permission from Samus earlier, did you forget?" the R.O.B. face explained before it disappeared and played a short track. The sound was muffled but Samus's voice could clearly be heard, "I doubt that-krzzt!-but sure, do whatever you want." The R.O.B. head reappeared and proceeded to explain, "By her tone, she lifted all personal restrictions on whatever action you desired to do, and thus can be interpreted as a permission to enter."

His look shifted from surprise to gleeful nefariousness as he rubbed his hands together, "Well whaddya know? You can be useful after all Rob, nyehehehehehhh."

"Well, of course. We promised Master Hand to save on electricity and this…" ROB trailed off as Waluigi had already entered the room and zipped straight to the Power Suit.

"Yes, wait 'til Master Hand get's-a load-a me," Waluigi said to himself, looking over the iconic red and orange armor set.

* * *

"You wanted to see me?" Samus spoke up as she entered through the doorway.

Master Hand was floating close by to what appeared to be a control panel and a large screen with a seemingly random series of letters and numbers. The giant hand shifted his attention towards Samus, as well as a red and white capped Toad sitting on a stool nearby.

"Well, that was quick," Master Hand said, glancing at the Toad, "Where's your Power Suit?"

"Sorry? I wasn't told anything about my Power Suit," Samus responded in confusion, giving the room a quick look over.

"She must've forgot," the Toad said, Master Hand shrugging in response. Toad caught Samus's intimidating stare and corrected himself, "Uh, not you. The princess."

Before Samus could say that she hadn't seen Peach all day, Master Hand interjected, "We need your suit to adjust some frame and weight data in a series of tests," the giant hand said, looking back to the huge screen, "Wolf and Bowser are waiting in the Fight Lobby. We're just waiting on you and Young Link."

"Hm," Samus hummed in response. She knew something fishy was going on and Waluigi had something to do with it. With suspicion on her mind, she agreed with an apathetic, "Alright. Let me go get my suit."

"Peach went to go find Young Link as well," Toad shouted before Samus could leave, "Bring them both back with you, please."

The bounty hunter nodded before taking her leave.

* * *

"Man, this is a tight-a fit," Waluigi exclaimed as he finished putting on the suit by squeezing his head into the helmet, "Doesn't matter. As soon as I get into the fight, I'll-a bust outta this hunk-a garbage and show that-a hand who's boss! Nyeheheheh!"

The floor clanked against the tight-fitting boots as he walked out of Samus's room, shifting a little to accommodate for the lack of space for him in the pelvic region. He thought it was weird that he was able to fit into the suit considering the height difference between him and Samus, but he was thankful that he managed to fit at all.

"Now all that's-a left is to get into the Fight-a Lobby and I'm all-a set!" Waluigi grinned as he made his way down the hall.

It was going very well for a few minutes until he rounded the corner and nearly bumped into Young Link. The green clad youth skidded to a stop in front of him and nearly tripped him up.

"Watch it, ya rugrat!" Waluigi cursed, only to regret shouting out loud. He had forgotten that he was pretending to be Samus until he got to the Fight Lobby. That, and his shouting echoed into the helmet, causing his ears to ring.

"Samus!" the young boy spoke up, "We've been looking for you!"

Waluigi was both surprised and confused. Surprised, because they had called him Samus and not Waluigi. And confused, because his voice should have given away that he was not Samus.

"There you are, Samus!" followed the sweet voice of Princess Peach, who was wearing not her usual dress but a pink tank and shorts that he recognized as her casual sports attire. She caught up to Young Link and smiled at him sweetly, "You weren't in your room so we looked all around for you."

"Yeah," the annoying brat chimed in, "Master Hand called for you, but, well, the intercom system hasn't been fully wired in yet, you know?"

"I just happened to be in the room with him, so I volunteered to get you," Peach finished, then glanced at Young Link, "But, I thought to find Little Linky here first since I guessed you would be in your room."

The child pouted and turned to the princess, "Peach, don't call me that. I have the mind of an adult, you know?"

As Peach and the brat talked, Waluigi was sweating profusely in the helmet. He had not planned for this encounter with the two fighters who were the most familiar with Samus out of everyone here. Any moment now, he would be exposed as the handsome man he is, wearing a Power Suit pretending to be someone else. Not only would his reputation be tarnished, but Samus would most definitely put an end to him if she found out, which was all but likely.

"…and, because of the ocarina and its ability to travel through time, I can be considered just as much an adult as you," Young Link finished explaining to an attentive Princess Peach.

"Hmm, even still," she reached down and ruffled his hair, "Now you're just as much a child as you look, because you are from the Child Timeline, if I remember right."

He shook her hand off and tried to counterpoint, "Yeah but- I mean…" before conceding to her logic and hanging his head in defeat, "Whatever, mom."

The princess giggled before looking back to the man secretly hiding in the suit of armor and asked, "So, what were you doing?"

Waluigi tensed up as both the princess and the brat looked at him, expecting an answer from the bounty hunter and not a lanky guy in a plumber outfit. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat, knowing that, at this point, there was no harming in trying.

"Well, ah," Waluigi spoke, raising his pitch to sound as feminine as he could, "I had…to go to the bath…room…"

Keeping his verbal tic at bay was annoying and degrading, but he needed to convince these idiots that he was Samus. But it wasn't working, as they gave him a confused look.

"Well? Say something," Young Link had the audacity to ask.

Waluigi stomped his foot in response and nearly shouted, "I am-a speaking, you brat!"

Both the child and princess reeled back in surprise, but exchanged looks of confusion. Waluigi was quick to try and regain his composure by apologizing, "I, uh, I mean," in his best Samus voice, but it seems like they weren't hearing it.

"Samus, I know you like to play the quiet hero persona, but there's no need for that here," Princess Peach said, her suspicion growing.

"Yeah, I'm here and I can speak just as well as you," Young Link told her, folding his arms, "Is something up?"

It took Waluigi a second to put it together, but before he could confirm it, he asked them, "Can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me," only to watch them look at each other in suspicion.

They couldn't hear him in this suit.

This doesn't make-a any sense, Waluigi thought. He was sure he had heard Samus talk while wearing this suit before, although those moments were rare. Was there some sort of secret function he was missing that enabled him to be heard? Maybe it was some sort of stealth option so that monsters couldn't hear her talk to herself or something. He didn't know what kind of person Samus was, nor did he care, but what kind of weirdo needed a silence option to have a conversation with themselves?

"Hey Samus," Young Link said all of a sudden.

"What, brat?" Waluigi replied, forgetting that they couldn't hear him.

"Hey you two," a female voice behind him spoke, "I've been looking for my suit."

Waluigi froze.

There she was, Samus, right behind him, and there he was, wearing her Power Suit, that he stole. Both Princess Peach and Young Link greeted Samus happily, but he didn't care because he was furiously thinking of an escape in his head. He thought of running for it, thinking that maybe this Power Suit would give him a boost in speed, but he had to consider that option carefully as he was already compromised in the pelvic region. It was either that, or death, and he didn't feel like dying today.

"Hold on, we've been talking to your suit this whole time?" Young Link asked, looking at the armor and the blue clad bounty hunter.

"Oh, right," Peach was quick to answer, "You weren't around for Brawl or 4," she quickly turned to Samus, "Would you mind explaining it to him? I don't understand the details myself."

Samus chuckled, knowing that the princess had probably forgotten it herself, "Oh, it's very simple. My Power Suit can operate independently of me, almost like a robot."

"Wait, what?" Waluigi said out loud, despite no one being able to hear him.

"Why would your suit need to do that?" the green clad child asked.

The bounty hunter shrugged indifferently, "To fight for me, fetch me some coffee, that sort of thing. I don't live in my suit, you know."

Both Peach and Young Link shared a look and shrugged, seemingly content with that answer. Meanwhile, Waluigi expressed open surprise at this revelation, "You mean-a to tell me that she can-a just sit in her room all-a day while-a the suit does all-a the fighting?" he asked himself.

"Well, you've got a fight to get to," Young Link pointed out.

"Yeah, Wolf and Bowser are already there," the princess added, "Are you gonna get in the suit or…?"

Samus shook her head, "Nah, I'll let the Power Suit handle this one. Power Suit, follow us."

With that command, the suit pieces suddenly tightened themselves around Waluigi's body, clanking together to become one solid piece.

"Wait, what's happening?" Waluigi exclaimed in a panic as his body started to move by itself. No, it wasn't that. It was worse.

The Power Suit was moving on its own, with him inside of it.

"Master Hand said that they need to do some tests and adjustments," Princess Peach explained as they walked down the halls, "Something about frame data and weight."

"That means they'll be testing knockback, or how far away you'll be sent after getting hit," Samus said with a devilish smirk.

"I can't wait to see Wolf in action!" Young Link stated with glee, "I hear he's been itching to tear someone apart since he got here!"

Although they couldn't hear it, Waluigi began struggling and shrieking and trying to force his way out of the Power Suit, to no such luck.

"Oh, don't take him seriously," Samus pointed out, "Besides they fixed my Power Suit so that it wouldn't come apart like it did in Brawl. Should still be fun to see."

Waluigi's mute struggling devolved into mute crying.

* * *

"Alright, Wolf, get into position, please," Master Hand spoke into a microphone through his finger.

As the fighters moved around the stage, Princess Peach entered the room carrying two buckets of popcorn and approached the seat next to Samus.

"Ok, I'm here, and I got you caramel popcorn, just like you asked," the princess said, handing over the large bucket to Samus and taking her seat.

"Thank you," Samus accepted and eagerly took the first piece.

"Why did you ask for some popcorn anyway?" Peach asked, chewing on some herself, "I know anytime is good for popcorn, but it's just some tests we're watching."

Samus swallowed before replying, "Well princess, there are some things in this world you didn't know you wanted, but needed to see."

Peach tilted her head in confusion, but dropped it when Master Hand announced that the test was about to start.

"Alright, Wolf. Please perform a grab into a back throw, and try to chain your Wolf Flash to it," Master Hand ordered.

On stage, on the newly remodeled arena known as Battlefield, Wolf smirked and stretched his claws out.

"Ah, the opening act, eh?" the wolf man responded, glancing at the Power Suit with a hungry look.

Waluigi gulped loudly within the silence of the suit and watched as Wolf approached him.

Master Hand studied the combo intently as Samus's suit was sent flying. Samus, meanwhile, chuckled loudly to everyone's confusion.

"Alright Wolf," Master Hand chimed in, "Do that again, but try to follow up with any attack you see fit. I will adjust Samus's gravity so that she flies at the same length despite her damage."

"What?!" Waluigi exclaimed loudly, only to hear the ringing of his shout from inside the helmet as well as the echo of someone laughing at him.

As Wolf grabbed and tossed Samus's suit, Young Link and Bowser sat patiently on the outer edge of Battlefield in the foreground and away from the fight. Normally Master Hand would prefer that they pay attention during tests like these, but they were on a strict schedule and needed to fine tune the game before its release. Young Link enjoyed milk from an open bottle as Bowser stared intently at his phone in his comically oversized hands.

"Hey Bowser," Young Link chimed, catching the flailing form of Samus's suit falling behind him, "Did you know that the Samus behind us is just her suit moving on its own?"

"Yep," Bowser responded halfheartedly with his growling voice, sending a reply to someone.

In the background, Wolf quickly shot out, "Wait, lemme try that one again," and loudly dashed over to where he tossed Samus.

"Well, how long has she been doing that for?" the young boy asked, ignoring what he thought he heard was the cries of terror from somewhere.

"I dunno, kid. I think she's been doing that since sixty-four," the spiky turtle answered, looking off into the sky, "I only say that because I saw Samus give the cold shoulder to Captain Falcon once, and he said 'this again babe?' or something like that," Bowser didn't even try to imitate the racer's voice in that bit.

The telltale explosion of a fighter being knocked out rung loudly as Wolf shouted soon after, "Awooo! Did ya see that, handy? That's what I call a sure kill!"

Master Hand responded through the mic, "Yes, that was very interesting, Wolf. Please do it four more times."

"Four?!" Waluigi helplessly cried out as he heard a woman laughing hysterically for a bit.

Young Link ignored the commotion and responded, "Oh, because of Captain Falcon maybe?" then took a sip of his tasty Lon Lon Milk, "I guess that explains why she had her suit modified like that."

"Yeah, and after the Subspace stuff, I guess Master Hand wanted her to do that all the time now," Bowser suggested, sending another reply on his phone.

As Wolf blasted Samus's suit off stage for the fourth time, Peach looked from her phone to Samus and asked, "Hey Samus, did you and Master Hand decide to split you from your Power Suit because of what happened in Subspace?"

Samus ate another bit of popcorn before answering, "Sort of. I kicked Captain Falcon through the wall of his office out of suit once and Master Hand liked what I did, and so made me a character independent of the suit."

Overhearing this, Master Hand replied, "I almost stamped Ridley's approval form before that happened because we needed a second Metroid representative. I didn't want to deal with that big headache until now."

Samus scowled in response but said nothing as she ate some more popcorn. Peach meanwhile quietly tapped at her phone and sent a reply.

"Oh, it was also because of Captain Falcon too," Bowser spoke up, showing Young Link the text from Peach.

"Oh, cool. Good to know," Young Link said before finishing off his milk.

"Alright, Bowser, Young Link," Master Hand's voice rung loudly through the speaker, "It's your turn."

"Tch, just when it was getting fun," Wolf said, leaving a quivering Waluigi in the Power Suit on the floor.

"I'll need you two to work together for this one," Master Hand explained through the speaker as the two of them put away their belongings, "Bowser, throw one of Young Link's bombs into the air, followed by grabbing Samus with your Koopa Claw. Time it so that the bomb hits Samus. The explosion should free Samus from the grab, so you must then follow up with a backwards aerial attack."

"Oh! My favorite combo!" Bowser exclaimed as he stretched his knuckles and gave Young Link a gleeful smirk.

"Hey, thanks for the suggestion, Samus," Master Hand quickly said, turning to her slightly.

The bounty hunter shrugged and ate another piece of popcorn, "I just wanted to see if that one still worked."

Waluigi watched helplessly as Young Link handed Bowser a bomb, "Why did I come up with-a this stupid plan?" he said as he cried uncontrollably.

* * *

The testing had gone on for two hours.

Every time Master Hand thought he was done, Samus would chime in and suggest some old trick from a previous game or pitch an idea for a possible combo. Master Hand wasn't one to turn down an idea, especially from a long time veteran like Samus. After all, many of the fighters had come up with their moves on their own, and it saved Master Hand a lot of brainstorming. Even so, it was starting to get excessive and the fighters were getting exhausted, although Wolf opposed the idea of stopping.

Master Hand had to promise the mercenary wolf man to more testing tomorrow in order to properly end the session, and so Samus walked the halls back to her room with her Power Suit following obediently behind her. They walked in silence, save for the clacking of their boots, until they reached Samus's room, to which she turned to the armor and ordered it to retreat to the chamber.

"I have a few things to do," she said to herself, "I'll be right back. Go ahead and shut down for the day."

The Power Suit obeyed and shut itself off in the chamber as Samus closed the door and headed down the halls. The room hummed for a bit before the armor wobbled and collapsed onto the floor, breaking off into pieces and revealing a beaten and broken man underneath. Waluigi took his first breath of fresh air in two hours and started to hastily remove the pieces that didn't come off in the fall. His hair was ragged, his joints were swollen, and his face was stained with tears. Even after removing every last piece of the power suit, he could not bring himself to stand, preferring to crawl his way out of Samus's room just to ease the pain.

Although he hurt all over, he rushed as much as he could back to his room to avoid anyone seeing him. He didn't need the pity, nor did he want to explain what happened to him in fear of Samus finding out what happened. Although he did leave her Power Suit shattered and scattered all over the floor of her room, there was no way for her to trace it back to him and he could care less right now about what she would do to him.

After much silent grunting and moaning, Waluigi finally made it back to his and Wario's room. Thankfully Wario left the door open and allowed Waluigi to painfully crawl his way into his room and onto his bed. There was no response for his pitiful entrance, so Waluigi assumed it was probably dinner time, or that Wario was in the bathroom or something. He really didn't care right now. He just wanted today to be over already.

A couple of minutes painfully passed by before there came knocking on the door. Wario never knocks, Waluigi knew, so he responded in agony, "What…do you want-a?"

The door opened to reveal R.O.B., the familiar white and gray model he knew the most. The robot beeped before its head opened up to reveal a screen featuring the face of another R.O.B., this one he recognized from earlier.

"Good evening, Waluigi," the artificial R.O.B. greeted, "I have a message for you."

"Wah?" Waluigi spoke through ragged breathing, "From-a…who?"

"From Samus," the R.O.B. answered, earning a gasp from the aching man.

The screen the R.O.B. head was on shifted to reveal a recorded video of Samus speaking to the robot itself. She had that familiar cold look on her face as she spoke, "Waluigi," she hissed, "Steal my Power Suit again, and I'll send you on a one way trip to Zebes. Understand?"

Waluigi moaned loudly, "So she knew…it was me…Wahhh…"

The R.O.B. face returned and it and the robot tilted their heads curiously, "What does she mean by 'again'?" it asked innocently.

For whatever reason, the robot had not caught on to his actions from earlier, but Waluigi was too tired to lash out, "Just get outta here, you numbnuts," he ordered wearily.

With that, the R.O.B. closed the bright screen, bowed, and left the room with only a whir of its motor.

"Next…plan…" Waluigi said to himself, reaching painfully for his notepad.


End file.
